Marvel Character Who Are Just Complete Idiots
by DarkPhoenixForce
Summary: Ever wonder about those little plot holes that are filled in with really...interesting stuff? Here's a look at how stupid some of the characters actually are under closer examination.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: The Author(s) will hereby not be held accountable for any inability to breathe, head injuries due to falling off a chair and hitting the edge of a desk, or concerned friends and or family members who may place the reader in a temporary mental hospital because of uncontrollable fits of laughter brought on by these articles.

Author 1: Hello everyone, and welcome to Marvel Characters Who Are Not Smarter Than a

Fifth Grader! I am your host, Darkphoenixforce, and today's show will take a look at the woman

who is responsible for the creation of the super villain of death and destruction Darth

Vader…err…Magneto! That's right ladies and gentlemen; today's discussion topic centers on

none other than Magda Lensherr!

Okay, so, as most of us know, Magda was the mostly innocent human gypsy woman whose only

crime was being stupid enough to marry Magneto. However, in her defense, she didn't _know _he

was a mutant when they got married. Don't worry though; as soon as she found out, she

promptly left him to go run away and hide in the mountains, probably increasing his general

irritation with the human populace as a consequence….Yeah…let that sink in.

But, to be fair, I'm pretty sure we can all agree (and I'm fairly certain I'm correct about this) that

dear old Mags most likely didn't come home from a hard day's work to tell his wife that he had

discovered his superhuman ability saving some defenseless child, and now they could live in

relative ease and comfort with Magneto being either a government agent or a circus performer.

Personally, I don't think he could make it at either profession.

So, assuming he demonstrated some as horrible display of mass murder, I guess we can forgive her for getting the heck out of dodge.

So she runs off the magical freezing mountainside where she is taken in by a kindly creature that

helps her and delivers her twins. Unfortunately she dies soon after their birth, and little Wanda

and Pietro are left all alone in the galaxy…eh…world.

Now, if any of you are pulling out your box of tissues set aside specifically for weeping over

Anakin's betrayal and Padme's unfortunate passing because this story sounds unusually familiar,

let me stop you right there. Alright, Padme…._Padme died _on the freaking operating table where

she gave birth. All _she_ had time to do was name her soon to be motherless offspring.

Dear Magda, on the other hand, WANDERED OUT INTO THE MOUNTAINSIDE AND DIED OF EXPOSURE.

Yeah, that's right; she CAUSED her own death, however indirectly it may have been. If it

weren't for her wanting a bit of fresh air, Magneto might have come back from the dark side to

attempt to be a good husband and father. But no, she had to go into a panic attack about his ever

finding their children and stumble off into the snow. Newsflash, Magda, you're a human, so

there's only ONE miraculous salvation from death in your contract with Marvel. All this

nonsense because she was worried about her kids.

Right, because they would be _much_ safer in the hands of relative strangers who would try to

dump them on the first willing family available, who would then go happily about their lives

until they found out their little darlings' father was a mutant terrorist and inevitably suffer

some unpleasant demise because, _really_, you can't go adventuring if your sensible adopted

parents are still alive to tell you to be careful. Pfft….can't believe it took 'em so long to kill the

Maximoffs.

The End


	2. Chapter 2

Hello, and welcome to the second episode of Marvel Characters Who Are Just Complete Idiots. In this article, we will be discussing none other than the famous Professor Charles

Xavier.

Whether you think of him as a benevolent telepath or the irritating old bald man who should have taken a bullet to the head years ago, it can't be denied that Professor X is an

integral part of the X Men universe. But, as with most any leader, he's bound to make mistakes once in awhile. A prime example of this is Wanda Maximoff.

Ah, Wanda….the probability altering witch who eventually goes insane and kills half a dozen innocent heroes. While this seems like a good sketch for a villain, let us consider a few

facts first.

1. Wanda grew up in the loving home of a gypsy couple only to witness her mother burning to death and be chased from town with her twin brother by random villagers who assumed

the twins were in league with the devil. While this is certainly a good start, one may argue that this is not necessarily enough to cause a person to go mad. Don't worry; there's more.

2. She and Pietro team up with their father Magneto without actually knowing that he's their father. They do at last find out, and I can bet it wasn't a pleasant occasion. Given the

fact that Mags uses his own daughter to seduce people, one can easily understand her being a little…unstable in the head. Add the fact that her closest friend is her twin brother…and I'm

not even going to contemplate what goes on with those two siblings behind closed doors. We have X Men Ultimate to do that.

3. Before Wanda and Pietro even found out that Magneto was their father, Daddy Dearest was in the habit of inflicting torture on Wanda whenever she screwed up on a mission. I can

only hope he stopped this behavior upon recognizing her true identity as his offspring. Like I said, I can only hope. What he was thinking making enemies with one of the most powerful

mutants in Marvel history can only be guessed at. I suppose he thought it would _never_ come back to haunt him. Karma sucks, doesn't it?

4. Last but certainly not least is the fact that Wanda finally got her dream of becoming a mother only to have her twin sons' life forces rejoin with their host, which accounted for their

unnatural conception in the first place. Understandably, this made her a _tiny_ bit upset.

How does Xavier play into all of this you ask? Well dear old Chuck seemed to think it was his responsibility to get rid of Wanda after she went crazy and killed a bunch of people. He

conveniently ignores the fact that lots of Marvel characters have gone insane and committed atrocious acts in the past, namely Jean. Not only does he take her fate into his own hands,

but he is arguably the _CAUSE _of some of her actions. See, despite being a terrible father, dear old Mags actually did go to his former friend for help with Wanda. What did the great Xavier

do? He turned him down. That's right; Obi Wan Kenobi's alternate reality persona basically said the equivalent of, "Screw you, Princess Leia. You can rot in your cell for all I care." If I were

her, I would have offed him a long time ago. I mean, what happened to helping _all_ mutants control their powers for the better good? I guess Magneto didn't read the fine print on that

one. What does this prove? Xavier would have made one heck of a politician….or possibly a used car salesman.

In the end, some people make it off with just a warning. Maybe that's where the idea of celebrity justice came from. People like Jean are _always_ redeemable...even if you do have to kill

them off a few times first. I guess being able to alter the fabric of reality itself and possibly seriously mess up a plotline isn't as cool as being a sexy redhead.


	3. Chapter 3

Hello and welcome back to Marvel Characters Who Are Just Complete Idiots. Today's article is a rather interesting one. It centers on the X Men's "alleged" leader, Scott "Pretty Boy"

Summers. Now, now, I know what you might be thinking. _Scott? _Surely not Scott, he's….cool…right? Well, okay, sure he can shoot freaking laser beams out of his eyes; I'll give him that.

He's also the (self proclaimed) "leader" of the X Men team and actually had the nerve to _kick Xavier out of the mansion_. Woah….wait…._what?_

Yeah, you read that last sentence correctly. Summers get's all ticked off at Xavier for using his telepathy to wipe all of his traumatic memories associated with his "dead" brother, dead

here being a relative term. I guess after Jean, Emma, Jean again, Emma again, some more Jean, probably half a dozen female telepaths we don't know about, and lastly Jean, messing

with his mind, he had about had it with this whole mental powers thing. It's actually pretty funny when you think about it; Scott is just like the humans who hate mutants. He dislikes what

he doesn't have the brain capacity to understand.

Well, alright, maybe I should start from the beginning and this will all make more sense.

A long time ago, when change really _was_ something you could believe in, Scott's military dad (who would roll over in his grave if he knew how messed up and wimpy his son was) was

flying his wife and two sons home from their vacation or…something…details. Anyway, just as the family was undoubtedly chattering about politics and gas prices, out of the sky came AN

ALIEN FLEET OF DOOM! Now that Scotty's parents' "worst case scenario" had actually…_happened_….they were forced to come to a quick life altering decision and shoved their two sons out

of the plane as alien bate. "Over here, Zim! They're over here!"

No, not really. Well, they did shove their two sons out of the plane…but it was some desperate, totally going to fail attempt to save them. For some strange reason they only carried

two parachutes….curse you Titanic builders!

Sadly, Fate was off her medication that day and, in a moment of well intentioned (pure evil) action, allowed the two boys to survive….though their parents probably died some

horrible fiery death…at least for a couple of years so that Scott would have absolutely no good influence growing up. You know how it is. On the plus side, Scott did get a major head

beating because Fate realized last minute that she had made a horrible mistake and lit up his parachute like a Roman Candle.

Unfortunately, all this did was put him in a coma for like a year, get him and his brother separated, and totally ruin any chance he had of ever being able to control his powers. Being

the kind of guy that he is though, he managed to turn this tragedy into a fashion statement by wearing the most ridiculously well known shades in history.

Now, if some extra terrestrial battle fleet of death has you on their intergalactic hit list before you've even technically had a chance to actually _do_ anything….well….I guess their ability

to see into the future was sadly of no use. It's okay guys, you did the best you could. However, next time I would recommend making use of the services of Boba Fett. Dude survived the

freaking Sarlacc Pit! No, like, seriously. That guy's awesome. "Koona t'chuta [Cyclops]?" (Now imagine that…coming from some kick butt Mandalorian dude…instead of Toad's cousin

Greedo).

So, Scott is shipped off to an orphanage where he is yet again the prey of forces much more awesome than himself, this time in the form of Mr. Sinister posing as an orphan. Now, if

the idea of a super powerful, incontrovertibly evil mutant man, who's very name evokes traumatic childhood nightmares, running around masquerading as a small boy isn't just a little bit

disturbing, than you've obviously not seen The Orphan. Once again, however, Fate makes a series of stupid mistakes and Scott lives to see another day.

Blah blah blah….he then eventually manages to worm his way into the X Men and begin his official career as the stalker of Jean Grey. After several years of this, Fate finally gets her

act together and smites Jean. Cyclops becomes even more useless than usual, and the world lives happily ever after….or so we thought.

Sadly, only about halfway through a celebration dance, Fate receives a wedding invitation for Scott and _Jean's clone_ Madelyne Pryor. Also, according to my sources, there was

something about an email from Marvel about a plan to bring Jean back…more on that later. Scott and Madelyne get married, blah, blah, blah, have a baby, blah, Jean comes back, and

Scott skips out on his wife and child. Don't worry though, she turns evil and eventually dies so he won't have to worry about being tied down. Oh, and little Nathan Summers get blasted

like 2000 years into the future and is raised for a little while by Scott and the woman (home wrecker) who ruined his mother's life and his parents' marriage. But after about twelve years

they go back to their regular time and leave the _totally capable and independent _preteen Nathan to fulfill some destiny or other.

After awhile, due to some trauma that nobody cares about, Scott befriends the (temptress) telepath known as Emma Frost. It doesn't take long for his new wife to get a little taste

of marital infidelity herself. See, Scotty has a psychic affair with Frost, so, rather than Jean facing the risk of walking in on them, by being a telepath herself, she can just have her mind

permanently scarred instead. That's cold, Scott; that's cold.

Finally, Fate wakes up from her self induced coma and comes back with a vengeance, striking down Jean once more. Scott mopes about a bit and then carries on with his blatant

affair. At long last, his "dead" brother returns, Scott kicks a now powerless Xavier out of the mansion, and the X Men give up all hope of ever winning their rights as American citizens…

hmm…déjà vu, huh?

In conclusion, Scott is a wannabe player with an unhealthy attraction to telepaths and a rather irritating knack of really ticking off Fate…and all of the other countless people who

want to kill him. But, regarding the problem with not understanding the meaning of the word "faithful", that might simply be a somewhat less than clever attempt to distract people from

his _real_ romantic interest. Add the fact that these affairs are generally with _psychics_, and we might have a possible case for Scott actually being smarter than he looks. Hey, if he can fool

_telepaths_, he might not be so hopeless after all….NOT. It's much more likely that all of Jean's deaths are really suicides _because_ she knows what's going on in his head. That's right,

Wolverine, you need keep an eye on your "friend".


End file.
